INsoMNia

In some mania, in a frenzy,

i find myself awake when i don't wanna be,

it wouldn't be bad if i wasn't so lonely,

but the days are cold when the wind blows

and the torments unrelentless,

i swore i was never going back,

when the time came again

all i saw was black.

story of my life

"."  -soundtrack 2 my life. by kid cudi. song of the day. song of the week. song of my life, maybe.

Today has just been one of those days, no, it's just been one of those weeks. You know? When it all started I knew it was going to be a long week, but damn. some shit has happened lately. It's funny, i just keep thinking about the day i'm leaving this place. June 15th. It's coming so soon, it seems like everyday it gets a life time closer. It's still a little while away but the times just going to fly by. Its all pretty incredible really, how time speeds up the older you get. I feel like i'm in fast forward to being independent and leaving and doing all these things that I don't know how I can ever accomplish. 

It's a race out here, or a fucking massacre. I guess it depends on how you look at it. and that's another thing. what happens when an optimist develops learned helplessness. What happens when there's only way out? Sometimes I feel like i'm underwater. I'm drowning and I look up for a hand to pull me out, because I can't swim. And that's all I need. But anywas I look up and all there is, is bright, blinding, yellow light. the water is rippling a little and the sun's reflection on it's surface is the only thing there. when am I going to remember that I can swim? Why don't i kick and fight and struggle until i get myself out? Why do I let myself sink?

My mom used to tell me, remember who you are and what you stand for. I never even thought about it, i just shrugged it off as one of those sayings. but I think I've forgotten. I think most of us have. I don't think we really stand for anything anymore. at least not when we're alone anyways. i don't know what i'm saying anymore. i gotta go., 

just some thoughts

I just wanted to say a few things today, on the ever so controversial topic: religion. Personally, I am an
Agnostic. I think there is something bigger than us out there, I don't know what it is, and I don't think there is any way to find out during the course of this life. I don't claim to know anything that I am not 100% sure of, I don't have malice or hatred or any sort of negative thoughts against people that don't believe what I do, and I don't ever tell anyone what they should believe. When I get into religious discussions, I listen attentively to what the other person has to say, ( i truly enjoy hearing people's theories, beliefs, etc.) and I tell them what I think, I always start of by saying, I believe or I think. I don't say i know or this is how it is. because i really don't, and i'm not sure if any of us do.

 The thing i've never been able to understand is why religious people tell you what to think and think everyone should believe what they do. I think a lot of what religion you decide to be comes from where and how you were raised and you're personality and who you are as a person. I don't understand when people claim to be Christians, the religion based on Jesus Christ, their savior who gave his life for the world, and they are closed minded enough to look down on me because I don't Believe. Who are they to cast out a sinner, wasn't it Jesus himself that walked among whores and criminals. They preach love, but they only show it if you are exactly like them. If you know their doctrines and conversate only with other believers, keep the pure together, try and make the non-believers join you and if they won't, then talk about them behind their backs, give them dirty looks and treat them with that awful passive-aggressive nice-to-your-face and crippling-behind-your-back two-faced way that they do. Now I am not saying religious people are bad, and i'm not singling out Christianity. I just find it ridiculous how the people that claim to know the truth don't even treat other people like humans. Thats why I like my religion. I like not knowing, and not claiming to know. It's life's greatest mystery really, and I think one day after I die i'll find out. I like thinking about all the religions out there as crazy and wild as they may seem and thinking. hm.. that's probable. I think religion can help people and some religious people are truly inspirational and amazing. but it seems like most that i find are close minded judgemental and very one sided individuals. They seem to forget that we are all just people, none of us know all the answers, and we are all different.

 I'm glad that religion works for some people, and i'm glad they have found something that gives their life hope and meaning. Personally, if I were to have a religion I think i'd fall under some branch of a Transcendentalist. In the natural beauty of Mother Earth I feel closer to God than praying or reading some religious texts. I learned about Deism just yesterday and I think it's an interesting idea for a religion too.

 I think we all need to know what works for us, and we all need to find our own personal truths. We all need to work towards some type of eternal progress and we need to try and better ourselves, first as individuals and secondly as a race. We are just people. We are all just humans. We do the best we can. And for all the religions that preach Love and Unity, stop talking about it and try doing it. Try doing something nice for someone, not so you can share your religious message but because you know they need help and you have a means to help them. Try extending your hand not only to the people that are just like you but to the people that are different, the people you don't understand, because maybe they can teach you something. Maybe if you learn something from someone who is different you will realize that your way isn't always right, and that even though we are all different, as people we are also all the same.

untitled

there once was a man,

that stood on a wave,

it looked like a cloud,

but it held sun rays,

and when the time finally arrived,

and the man had to leave,

he threw a stone in the ocean,

and it never could sink.

blogs, blogs, blogs.

I'd like to officially start off my blog with a story. it happened today and it's about peer pressure. my childhood friend Kirsten told me that I should make one after we were having a conversation about growing up and the next steps in life after high school. it reminded me of some thoughts I had written down about quotes from Henry David Thoreau, anyways, she talked me into making a blog very quickly, I cave easily. I thought I'd share some of the things he said and some of the things I had to say about it.
The first thing I quoted was about Thoreau's hermit living on the edge of the Walden Pond. He wrote, "if it were mean... or if it were sublime, to know by experience."
I wrote, the real adventure is unknown, but we  press deeper into the unknown for the sake of raw, real experiences. Was it mean? was it sublime? Or was it sometimes both? Or does it even matter, because on your journey to find something out you find out more about yourself than you thought possible.
the next quote by Thoreau says, "I left the woods for as good a reason as i went there. Perhaps it seems to me, that I had several more lives to live."
I wrote he also mentions his fear of dying before he had lived. I think it is best to embrace each day not with what is familiar but with what is; new, exhilirating, ever changing, and breathless. I don't ask to live each day the same, but to have many adventures, ever changing until the day I die.
In sharing these two quotes and my thoughts on them, I'd like to make the point that by going through these adventures, trials and real experiences life has to offer we find things out about ourselves, and we keep making this bigger, better image of ourselves, we keep building up on what we've learned and how we've grown. The baggage weighs us down but not enough to change the fact that we are weightless, limitless in the things that we can do for ourselves. let life hand you lemons, everybody gets a few but do everything you can to make them work for you and learn from it and move on. Keep living like you could die at any moment, because you could. Do the things you wish, hope and dream of. Do it all. Have no regrets, and if you do, it happens to the best of us and you're only human.